To Kill a Mocking Roach

While most people squirm at the thought of fighting dragons and monsters, I bravely plunge into battle, slicing the enemy to pieces with my sledge hammer.

In my dreams, of course.

Facing the cockroach though, is an entirely different matter. It requires a certain precision, years of practice, talent, skill and a very cold calculating mind. Oh, and an asbestos stomach. This is serious stuff we are discussing. We want to decimate the Denizen of the Ditch with weapons, not vomit.

Now then, here's your step-by-step guide:
1. Weapons. This is the most important thing ever. You hardly want to master all tricks and then stand blubbering in front of the cockroach without a weapon in your hands. Get yourself a pair of military combat boots. If you can't, a pair of women's high heels does the trick just as efficiently.

2. Stealth. You can't go stomping around announcing your arrival to the whole roach kingdom of three lands. You gotta be smooth and sneaky about it. Approach roach with the weapon quietly, very quietly.

3. Precision. You gotta know where to aim. You gotta anticipate the roach's moves, its thoughts, its actions. Read my comprehensive guide to Roach Battle Strategy for more information on tactics.

4. Speed. You must, absolutely must be faster than the roach! Its quite no point mastering 1-3 if you can't keep pace with the creature, is there? Get your lazy butt off the couch and start working out at the gym for 2 hours, three times a day.

5. Smash. This is the final step. You sneak up on the roach with the weapon, aim for the heart and speedily execute the "Smash". There can be no room for error or you'll be smashing all over the floor while the roach and his teenage pals snigger at you from a safe distance.

Execute 1-5 with aplomb and you can be guaranteed a pest-free home.