Roach Battle Strategy

Back on popular demand.

We spoke about how to go about killing a cockroach. As you know, Planning is the most important task in any project. You first need to make sure you have thought through all alternatives, possibilities, scenarios and have prepared contingency plans to address them.

1. Know your enemy: This is an absolute must. How well you know your enemy directly translates into how efficiently you can execute him. Spend a few months studying all there is to know about cockroaches through books, internet and online discussion forums. Interview people who have encountered cockroaches and gain valuable insights from their experiences.

2. Understand his mind: You must know the mind of your enemy. What will his reaction be to a loud noise? What will he do when cornered? Which way does he run to throw you off-track? Where does he hide during the day? What does he like to eat?

3. Anticipate his moves: After you have studied for a sufficiently long time (time enough to earn you a PhD if it had been some mundane subject like Economics) you should have sharpened your skills to be able to anticipate his moves. You can't stand at the battleground with your laptop and feed in complex permutations and combinations when the cockroach is busy crawling up your bare leg.

4. Be prepared: Always. You never know when you will be attacked. Get to the state of unconscious competence. This comes with years of training and hard work. I wasn't kidding about the 2-hour, thrice a day workout regimen.

5. Revel in the sweet taste of revenge: Make sure to take adequate number of photographs with your dead enemy to show friends and well-wishers. This will give you unprecedented popularity and will boost your macho-image. You could even dedicate a website and give people tips on how to battle this menace.

To Kill a Mocking Roach

While most people squirm at the thought of fighting dragons and monsters, I bravely plunge into battle, slicing the enemy to pieces with my sledge hammer.

In my dreams, of course.

Facing the cockroach though, is an entirely different matter. It requires a certain precision, years of practice, talent, skill and a very cold calculating mind. Oh, and an asbestos stomach. This is serious stuff we are discussing. We want to decimate the Denizen of the Ditch with weapons, not vomit.

Now then, here's your step-by-step guide:
1. Weapons. This is the most important thing ever. You hardly want to master all tricks and then stand blubbering in front of the cockroach without a weapon in your hands. Get yourself a pair of military combat boots. If you can't, a pair of women's high heels does the trick just as efficiently.

2. Stealth. You can't go stomping around announcing your arrival to the whole roach kingdom of three lands. You gotta be smooth and sneaky about it. Approach roach with the weapon quietly, very quietly.

3. Precision. You gotta know where to aim. You gotta anticipate the roach's moves, its thoughts, its actions. Read my comprehensive guide to Roach Battle Strategy for more information on tactics.

4. Speed. You must, absolutely must be faster than the roach! Its quite no point mastering 1-3 if you can't keep pace with the creature, is there? Get your lazy butt off the couch and start working out at the gym for 2 hours, three times a day.

5. Smash. This is the final step. You sneak up on the roach with the weapon, aim for the heart and speedily execute the "Smash". There can be no room for error or you'll be smashing all over the floor while the roach and his teenage pals snigger at you from a safe distance.

Execute 1-5 with aplomb and you can be guaranteed a pest-free home.

Life goes on

It creaked, groaned and fluttered
Wailed, vibrated and shuddered
Constricted, grew cold, whimpered
Begged, pleaded then surrendered.

My heart, shattered,
Smashed to smithereens
While life goes on, unfeeling.

The Me

My brain just doesn't work on Mondays and Fridays. On other days, I forget to bring it to office.

Sense and Sensibility

Did it ever occur to you that whatever is good for you, or practical, is almost always hideous-looking or awful tasting? All those times you were told to "eat your vegetables" when all you wanted to do was gorge on cookies and chips? Remember when you wanted so desperately to wear high heels even though you had to walk for 2 kilometers to get to the bus stop? Or how about all those disgusting books that had to be read and re-read and re-re-read for those awful "character building" examinations?

Sense and sensibility? hah, more like Nonsense and Nonsensitivity.

Renamed

Hello all,
I decided to rename my blog. Had got tired of the same title. The new URL is:

http://moi-musings.blogspot.com though of course if you are reading this, you already know!

Hehehe....just checking to see how many of you are really awake.

Cheers!