Continuing on my research of the Denizen of the Ditch, the elusive cockroach, I searched far and wide for scientific experts who could help me with my PhD.
Luckily for me, while celebrating the treasure hunt win with my bunch of buddies, who should I come across but the famous Resident Roach Researcher of all time! I was very excited. Finally I was going to be able to ask questions the answers to which that had forever eluded me!
Over some delicious biryani, he began to explain while I furiously scribbled away on my notepad.
"It is the strongest creature you know"
"If the world were destroyed in a nuclear disaster, guess which is the only creature that can survive? Yes, the cockroach. But he will soon die within 8 days. Why? Lack of good food..."
"Very adaptable"
"Has amazing mimicing abilities"
"Exoskeletal structure makes it difficult to crush to death"
"Capacity to generate its own sustenance"
I looked up at the Researcher in wonder and amazement. Finally I was going to be able to complete my PhD.
Showing posts with label kill roach. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kill roach. Show all posts
Friday, July 17, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
To Kill a Mocking Roach
While most people squirm at the thought of fighting dragons and monsters, I bravely plunge into battle, slicing the enemy to pieces with my sledge hammer.
In my dreams, of course.
Facing the cockroach though, is an entirely different matter. It requires a certain precision, years of practice, talent, skill and a very cold calculating mind. Oh, and an asbestos stomach. This is serious stuff we are discussing. We want to decimate the Denizen of the Ditch with weapons, not vomit.
Now then, here's your step-by-step guide:
1. Weapons. This is the most important thing ever. You hardly want to master all tricks and then stand blubbering in front of the cockroach without a weapon in your hands. Get yourself a pair of military combat boots. If you can't, a pair of women's high heels does the trick just as efficiently.
2. Stealth. You can't go stomping around announcing your arrival to the whole roach kingdom of three lands. You gotta be smooth and sneaky about it. Approach roach with the weapon quietly, very quietly.
3. Precision. You gotta know where to aim. You gotta anticipate the roach's moves, its thoughts, its actions. Read my comprehensive guide to Roach Battle Strategy for more information on tactics.
4. Speed. You must, absolutely must be faster than the roach! Its quite no point mastering 1-3 if you can't keep pace with the creature, is there? Get your lazy butt off the couch and start working out at the gym for 2 hours, three times a day.
5. Smash. This is the final step. You sneak up on the roach with the weapon, aim for the heart and speedily execute the "Smash". There can be no room for error or you'll be smashing all over the floor while the roach and his teenage pals snigger at you from a safe distance.
Execute 1-5 with aplomb and you can be guaranteed a pest-free home.
In my dreams, of course.
Facing the cockroach though, is an entirely different matter. It requires a certain precision, years of practice, talent, skill and a very cold calculating mind. Oh, and an asbestos stomach. This is serious stuff we are discussing. We want to decimate the Denizen of the Ditch with weapons, not vomit.
Now then, here's your step-by-step guide:
1. Weapons. This is the most important thing ever. You hardly want to master all tricks and then stand blubbering in front of the cockroach without a weapon in your hands. Get yourself a pair of military combat boots. If you can't, a pair of women's high heels does the trick just as efficiently.
2. Stealth. You can't go stomping around announcing your arrival to the whole roach kingdom of three lands. You gotta be smooth and sneaky about it. Approach roach with the weapon quietly, very quietly.
3. Precision. You gotta know where to aim. You gotta anticipate the roach's moves, its thoughts, its actions. Read my comprehensive guide to Roach Battle Strategy for more information on tactics.
4. Speed. You must, absolutely must be faster than the roach! Its quite no point mastering 1-3 if you can't keep pace with the creature, is there? Get your lazy butt off the couch and start working out at the gym for 2 hours, three times a day.
5. Smash. This is the final step. You sneak up on the roach with the weapon, aim for the heart and speedily execute the "Smash". There can be no room for error or you'll be smashing all over the floor while the roach and his teenage pals snigger at you from a safe distance.
Execute 1-5 with aplomb and you can be guaranteed a pest-free home.
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