Out-of-office

What my 'out of office' auto-response says:
"I am on vacation till 2nd Nov. Please expect a delay in response. For escalations please contact my manager Ark Tuff"

What I really want to put on the auto-response:
"It's Diwali and I am busy stuffing myself with sweets and other delicacies. Since I can't do that and work at the same time, I opted for the more important of the two. Hence I am going to stay away from office till 2nd Nov. For any escalations, please contact my manager Ark Tuff. On second thoughts, please feel free to contact Ark Tuff for trivial things as well. That will show him all the kind of crap I have to deal with and will make my salary-hike conversation easier.

If your matter can wait until my return, then it wasn't important anyway so I am not going to respond to it. Besides there's going to be a ton of email cluttering my Inbox during my absence so I won't have time to read your specific email anyway. By the time I eventually get to it, your matter will have been resolved or forgotten. Either way you look at it, don't expect any response from me. When I do get back to office, you will have difficulty recognising the new roly-poly me which is just as good.

Happy Diwali!"